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Skip to the articleor search this site. An adult male Neanderthal sneaks quietly into a cave system near to his own. He shuffles past several sleeping female Neanderthals. In his right hand, he carries a small pipe loaded with ochre pigment. He walks far first dick pic the cave, finds the perfect wall, and then uses his left hand to hold his dick against the wall. When he has found a pleasing arrangement, he takes his pipe to his lips and blows ochre pigment all over his dick and balls, leaving a negative-space portrait of his dick on the cave wall. He sneaks back out.
A young Paleoamerican man sits atop the corpse of a freshly-killed baby mammoth. He holds a piece of tusk and a fluted spear point that is still covered in mammoth blood. He uses the spear point to scrape away at the tusk until it vaguely resembles a dick.
When he is finished his carving, he walks up to a young Paleoamerican woman and just sort of pokes her with it, without even saying anything first. A middle-aged man sits at his painting table. He is surrounded by various inks, papers, silks, and cords. A small pyramid of completed silk-and-paper narrative handscrolls sit in a basket to his right, and a nearly-complete handscroll sits open before him. He dips a brush in a pale blue ink, and then thoughtfully and purposefully places the very last vein on the glans of a large, artfully inked penis.
She wishes to be portrayed as Venus, and her child as Cupid. The painter shows her his progress; and points out that he has added a portrait of the head of his penis into the painting, in the background, dressed as Paris. He then smiles at her in an unwelcome and exaggerated fashion. The aristocratic woman says that unless he removes his penis from the background of her painting, she will not pay for the commission. The painter is very angry and says that he will not compromise his artistic vision.
She leaves without paying. An executive in an advertising agency is drunk. He calls his secretary into his office and asks her to go make some copies with that new machine. She asks him what kind of copies, and of what?
He says goddammit, Carol, what use are you? He stumbles over to the brand-new Xeroxunzips his pants, and proceeds to Xerox his dick.
The machine makes one copy. He picks it up out of the tray, and passes it to Carol with his right hand while tucking himself back in with his left. A fifteen-year-old boy sits at his homework desk in his attic room. He has six developed squares of polaroid instant film sitting in front of him. They are all of his dick, and they are all blurry.
He has an undeveloped square in his hand, and is shaking it energetically. A young man is texting with a girl who swiped right on Tinder. He asks.
A ten-year-old girl is attempting to download open source blueprints for a 3D-printed model of her favourite pop star. A young Universal Spacefleet recruit from the planet Xornon has been sanctioned for insubordinate behaviour by his human female superior officer. In retaliation, he sneaks into the transport room and beams his dick onto the desk in her office.
When the Xornish recruit beams his dick back on, it is sprinkled with plant food.
A male-being comprising pure energy and light manifests his dick-consciousness into the space between every atom. Aimee Ouellette is a writer, editor, and critic. She has edited award-winning Canadian literary titles, and regularly reviews books for subTerrain magazine. She likes swimming in the ocean, giving pedicures, and reading out loud. Aimee lives in New Westminster, BC with her husband and son. Skip to the top of thesearch this siteor read the article again.
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Unsolicited Dick Pics Through the Ages: A Selected History